It was always you…
In life, sometimes (and particularly when looking back), there are soft, subtle, and yet undeniable clues. You could call them hints, nudges, or perhaps even pushes. Things that, as they add up, amount to only one answer. These things become a broken, yet true, trail of breadcrumbs. Left by the Universe. Meant to be followed.
Our breadcrumbs, first, led us to Hansel house.
The summer of 2008 found Kyle working his first season with the Mendocino Hotshots, while Nicole transferred to work her first season with the Lassen Hotshots (which, ironically, Kyle had just left… their first moment of ships in the night). On Lassen, Nicole met the infamous ‘Big Money’ (aka ‘Fist-a-cuffs’ or Michael West, now known as ‘Best Man’). Together, after slaving and sweating in the hot summer sun they daydreamed of a winter season filled with snow, cold, and ski-bumming. Truckee seemed an easy and appropriate solution. Summer slowed, fall found its way to the Sierra, and the two of them started looking for a place to rent.
Until West mentioned a friend. This ‘friend’ of his had grown up with him, managed to avoid most trouble (while causing, also, the most mischief), and had worked together in fire for several seasons prior. This ‘friend’ was Kyle.
Together the new posse of three met up for the first time in downtown Truckee, Kyle pulling up in an old ’94 Toyota, toy Yoda figurine aptly glued to the dash. It was a small cab and Nicole slid, squished, into the center seat. He had to reach across her to shift. Meandering the mountain housing developments they happened upon a little A-frame, off a street called Hansel, and decided to call it home.
As it happened; two generous blocks from the Hansel house was a sweet, modern, multi-room gym facility, replete with pool. It was perfect for a bunch of dirt-bags intent on training: for triathlons (Nicole), smoke jumping (Kyle), and Tecmo Super Bowl world championships (West). All rentals in the area were allowed one “family” pass and so: Mike West became Nicole’s brother. Kyle, however, became Kyle Hickok, Nicole’s husband.
*More breadcrumbs*
In all honesty, they behaved more like wild siblings. Sharing food. Traveling the world (well, Costa Rica at least). Taming wild raccoons. Jumping off snow-clad roofs (Nicole went first, just to taunt Kyle, who then of course had to top her… and broke two ribs). One afternoon, while Nicole was away at work, West and Kyle even went so far as to rig the sink sprayer (taped open, of course), to surprise Nicole in an ambush of H20. Little did they know, the Patagonia Outlet would ask her to work late. And the sink sprayer would claim multiple victims (them) before she ever even made it home. Eventually, walking in (tired and exhausted) Nicole specifically remembers taking note of all of the shirts (theirs: carnage from their earlier self-inflicted-victimhood), laid out to dry by the wood stove. The curiosity bubbled, but not deep enough, to stop her from walking past Kyle and West (anxiously waiting on the sofa, little kid smiles plastered on their faces), and directly to the sink, for a drink.
Kyle says it was the first time he could ever remember actually, spontaneously, feeling someone else’s emotions. And also, instantly, knowing exactly what they needed. The connection caught him a bit off guard, “man, she just needs a hug…” And moments after knowing it, he walked up behind Nicole, slung his arms around her shoulders, and. just. hugged. her.
*breadcrumbs*
They shredded slopes (and Nicole, her rib cage, on a box feature, which Kyle gallantly saved her from), made delicious meals (Nicole made Kyle Cornish game hen, with apricot quinoa salad for his birthday, he still remembers it), and made moves towards the coming summer.
Kyle and West went with Nicole to Pollock Pines that spring, to lend a hand in splitting firewood. True to form, they all instantly fit in: family. Diane (Nicole’s mom) remembers turning a corner, one morning, to find Kyle taking a quick picture of Nicole’s baby picture (framed, on the wall). She says, to this day, she saw something in his smile in the moment that told her he was sunk. She. Just. Knew.
*mooooooore breadcrumbs*
But despite remaining relatively ignorant of the queues, clues, hints, and pushes… something had begun to shift, just-so, and those surreal moments of ‘de-ja-vú’ (*cough, cough, breadcrumbs*) began becoming more and more significant.
Nicole, washing dishes in the kitchen, listening to Dispatch’s lyrics wind their way through the house, thinking to herself “I want a man who will just come home, walk into a music-filled room, and sing, smiling.” Only to hear Kyle open the front door, step inside, … and sing.
That year for his birthday he received a home-made card from his Mother. Nicole had sworn, with her whole soul, she had already been here, sitting beside him on the couch, watching him open it. Knowing the card before it even left his hands, to hers.
In true awkward-word-smith-Nicole fashion, on March 30, 2009, she jotted down a journal entry *and made permanent, undeniable breadcrumbs*:
“Its: “I wanna cook with you
drink cold white wine with you,
feel your fingertips,
watch you smile,
feel you make me smile,
sit in your silence, our silence.
Its ‘I wanna love you’
and its nice… “
Only to acknowledge, less than a line later: “It doesn’t feel as if its for today (and mayhap, not ever). But I still feel its right.”
Winter would end. They stayed in touch, though, and so-started their many years of navigating around each other as ships-in-the-night.
Kyle would go on to serve another season as sawyer on Mendocino, and later begin the adventure of smokejumping in McCall. Nicole would work with Lassen for one more year before moving to the Bay to receive her doctorate (in chiropractic) and eventually opening a practice in Reno. They dated other people. Had long-term relationships. Stayed close, but oh-so-distant.
In 2015, the subtle-ships-sailing became heartbreakingly evident: Nicole had been heading north to McCall to celebrate a friends’ wedding, calling Kyle to see if he, too, was going to be in town. She found out (in deepest irony) that he had started driving south to California (that same day and to another friends’ wedding). They had passed each other en-route! But he had “bought a house! She should check it out!” And so, of course, she did.
Midday, in July, she pulled her Subaru up to the gravel drive of Boydstun Loop… and subtlety that honey-slick, sticky-slow way that time unwinds (amidst a de-ja-vu) began to envelop her. Looking up at his new home she could have sworn she had seen this space before! But how?! Even the sun, shafting between aspen leaves and glancing through the windshield seemed softer. More familiar. So: she walked to the front door. And opened it. She walked into a small foyer. So familiar it made her heart hurt. She breathed deep, acknowledging the de-ja-vu, expecting it to pass. But it stayed. Stuck to her skin. She turned the corner into the kitchen. Saw everything she had expected to… and became so overwhelmed she gently started to cry. She walked, slow, like a ghost in a parallel dimension, from room to room, saying aloud all the things she expected to see, before she could see them. Then, testing herself, she would turn the corner, and find it all to be exactly right. Every. Single. Time.
*big BIG, undeniable breadcrumbs*
Still awash in the overwhelming feeling that she was somehow supposed to be there, she walked outside, sat on the front porch, and phoned Kyle. Likely sounding unerringly crazy, she asked him, “had they had missed it?” She knew the place, with her whole-soul. Were they meant to be together?! Was it too late?!
There was a slight, small (ships-in-the-night-status) chance that Kyle would make it back to McCall before Nicole left… maybe mere minutes together would help them figure it out? But, Kyle (now, in hindsight, swears he knew the potential of what it all meant, and was terrified by it), decided, instead, to drive the long way home.
They had missed it…
…or so she thought.
But Kyle’s dad, Tony, kept asking about her.
And Nicole’s mom kept secretly threatening to send a letter to the jump base (imploring him to realize he had already loved her, 10 years ago).
They even managed to find themselves mere blocks away from each other on multiple occasions, oblivious, in multiple cities, over the next few years.
Near misses.
Missed steps.
And something about the time shifted something in Kyle.
After taking stock of past relationships, and making note of what he had always wanted, he began to become unavoidably aware of a simple thread of truth: everything he had been seeking (the love, the laughter, the spirit) he had already found. In a little home on Hansel. 12 years before.
He began talking to Tony about her, on those long miles to McCall. He started to wonder: was she married? Happy? Have kids? He started scouring pictures on her business website: was she wearing a ring?! Should he reach out? Call?!
And then one fateful day (Kyle remembers: it was April 21st, 2021), Nicole found herself traveling. Something about flying, and that moment, tugged at the back of her mind. She found herself smiling, reminiscing about the incredibly awkward airport layover they had had in Denver 13 years before (they had slept on the floor, curled in a corner). And so, without hesitation, and with only kindness and in her heart, she reached out to him, texting him after 5 years without contact: to let him know she was wishing him well, and to hope only the best for him in his life.
Hearing his phone ding, Kyle pulled his phone out his pocket with no further thought than imagining another friend was texting him… but his heart stopped. Shocked, surprised, and hopeful, he saw Reno’s iconic (775) prefix! Fumbling, he managed to open the message, read the first sentence, and was struck: it WAS Nicole!! He felt the crisp breath of metaphorical fresh air, wafting through the narrow window of opportunity the Universe had just cracked open.Knowing it for what it was (everything he had been hoping for), he vowed: he wouldn’t miss it this time. Without missing another moment, he picked up the phone and called her.
One month later, she flew to Boise. His hands were sweaty, and shaking. She had caught the earliest flight she could, curled her hair in the Vegas airport bathroom, donned her best dress, and met him.
Different people, still oh-so-in-love.
They had their first date: they boated, ate ice cream and were surprised with an unimaginable moment of thunderstorm build up, right at sunset. She asked if they could find somewhere to watch it from, and Kyle found a field: south of town, facing west, full of dandelions. As he pulled out serendipitously stashed camp chairs she began to giggle with child-like joy: the downdrafts were HUGE. The thunder shook your soul. Amidst sherbet sunset colors, wicked lightning, and winds wild enough to pick up every-single-dandelion’s-head-wish, they smiled (felt their own wishes land), and said they loved each other.
*epic, mystical-sized, utterly undeniable breadcrumbs*
This time, they were finally following them. It felt as if the entire world celebrated, with them.
Less than two months later (after only 13 days of being near each other, and serendipitously 13 years after Hansel house) they hiked 13 miles up Buckeye Canyon, and he proposed.
“I love adventuring with you,” he said.
“I do too,” she replied.
“Do you want to adventure together, forever?” he asked, softly.
And she. said. yes.
It was always you.
